Companies in Need of New Creative Directors…

First…ITT-Tech, your TV spots are way too long. Cut your media spend in half and trim down the length of your TV spots. Really, we’ll still get it–local guy/gal who seemed to have limited options does good.

Next, Ponderosa. I will admit a quick hooray for you. I didn’t even know you were still around. I thought you had went the way of Po Folks and Banquet Tables. But, I’m not sure I’m following your agenda. According to your commercial, patrons get a discounted meal if they bring in a receipt from a fast food meal. What? Or, better yet, Why? You want people to eat somewhere else first? I’m just not following. Wouldn’t you want to discourage people from eating at other places? Whatever. You’re still Ponderosa and that’s probably you’re biggest problem.

INSIGHT CABLE—UGH!!! I can’t even tell you how much I HATE your spots. The ones with the grumpy dad whose eight year old son goes to the neighbors to call Grandma. It’s awful. The guy looks like he’s a shoe-in for the drunken, wife-beating, pedophile at the local community theater. Please take him off the air. I thought I disliked the spots populated with “real” Insight Cable employees, but this guy takes the cheese and a huge notch out of your likability ratings. You sell tv ads, shouldn’t yours be watch-able?

Bank of America…are you really trying to sell the idea that “America saves everything”? Please, who the F are you talking to? We don’t save ANYTHING. We’re the most throw-away nation there is. Who’s your copywriter? Do they live in America? Did they really write the words: “This is America, we save everything…The least we can do is save a few bucks.”

The anti-Bruce Lunsford ads get the Poorly Produced Sarcasm award. First, I have no interest in Lunsford or his opponents—I’m completely indifferent. But the sarcastic commentary is way too much for me to take. First, I don’t even know who you’re supporting, just who you dislike. Second, you sound like a bitter, juvenile teenager who thinks they’re always right but rarely are. And third, I would imagine your spot could be misinterpreted that you’re truly saying thanks as the constant “thanks a lot” comments are a weak commentary for your overall argument…this goes for your anti-union spots as well. Want me to see things how you do? Try sounding like you’re old enough to vote.

This Is for My Sister

My sister is gone. She was here for a whole eight nights, nine days. She flew back to Florida today at 4:50 p.m. and I miss her terribly.

I’ll be fine in a few days. I’ll still wish she lived within walking distance of my front door, but I won’t pine over her like I’m doing right now. When she was here, we spent most of our time hanging out on my back porch or flipping through channels. Just hanging out–that’s really all we have to do to enjoy each other’s company.

My sister is nine years younger than me. I was AWFUL to her when we were growing up. When I was a pre-teen and teen and had to babysit her, I was cruel. Her favorite thing to tell me back then: “I don’t have to do what you say,” and “That didn’t hurt.” She also used to incite miniature sibling riots between my two younger siblings. (I was never cruel to them…they were much younger and I was more of a parental figure with them instead of a sister.)

As an adult, I think I’ve made my amends with her and the abuse I dished out. Now, she’s my best friend. We can do nothing for hours and enjoy it. The only other person I do that with is my husband. We have a shared understanding of each other and each other’s experiences. Many, many thoughts never have to be articulated. A certain look exchanged between us can clearly explain whatever we think about an incoming phone call, something we’re watching on the tube, what we think about a pair of shoes, something our other siblings say or do.

In so many ways we think the same.

And then, in so many other ways we think opposite. We don’t agree on politics. We have different spiritual beliefs. She’s’ more conservative when it comes to matters of family, marriage, and other socio-economic regimes. And, she likes driving a truck—which I just don’t get at all.

But these things don’t get in the way. They can be used to poke at the other or rile each other up when we want a reaction, but they don’t determine our feelings. They’re more like the side dishes that you don’t have to eat as long as the main entree is exactly what you want.

My Longest List Yet

This side of 35 is sunny, sunny.

I’m officially closer to 40 than 30 and couldn’t be more thrilled. My life gets better as I get older. And the better is snowballing.

My primary want in life is to reach the end of my life and be 100 percent satisfied with the path I’ve taken. I can’t imagine coming to the end and wishing things were different. I can’t imagine wishing things were different now.

So….tonight I’m doing a list of the top 35 things I’m happy about today:

1. My purse, of course
2. My pregnancy
3. Getting to spend all week with my sister
4. Not ever having to see the movie Momma Mia again (since I already saw it today…I don’t recommend it.)
5. Flipping Out, Mad Men, Swingtown
6. Willie Nelson who I will be seeing this Friday
7. Alanis Morissette who I will be seeing October 1
8. My job
9. All of my family. All of them. My husband, my daughter, my siblings, parents, in-laws, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles…every single one of them (this, of course, should be number one but this list isn’t in any order of importance. And besides, putting family first is boring. Putting my new purse first which is from my family is honest)
10. All of my friends. All of them. (see #9)
11. My writing habits
12. My books
13. Coffee and all my coffee shops
14. My work friends, who actually fit into #9, but they’re getting their own number as well because they make the work day more fun than just work and it’s especially fitting to squeeze them in with the coffee.
15. CR–you guys know who your are (again this could fit into #9)
16. My house
17. My backyard
18. The summer
19. My music collection
20. 365 days without a drink
21. Ice cream
22. My laptop (I use it every night, it would be unfeeling not to give it a call-out)
23. Birthdays
24. Rootbeer
25. Feeling the baby kick
26. Seeing the babies in the hospital nursery (good God they were cute, all swaddled up in the white blankets with thin pink and thick blue stripes with their tiny tiny noses and toes)
27. My DVR—best tech advancement since…no, best technology EVER, how did we live without it?
28. Pajamas from Old Navy, they’re so comfy, they make me happy and are my favorite things to wear as of lately
29. Wes Anderson…his stuff always makes me happy
30. My marriage
31. Wendy
32. Online banking, again, what would did we do before it?
33. Barnes & Noble, Borders, Carmichaels, Destination Booksellers, the library
34. Julia Cameron
35. Finishing a list of 35 things that make me happy in less than 20 minutes, not bad.

So I hope all of you can make a similar list. Being happy makes everything a whole lot easier.

The Gift

Have you ever received a gift that is more than exactly what you want? It’s exactly what you want, but thought you’d never have…or, at least, not for years.

Like when you see a Cartier ad in the pages of Vanity Fair and think, “One day…”

But my gift wasn’t jewelry. I never cried when I got my engagement ring. I smiled a lot and looked at my finger for days. But there was no joyful weeping. This gift caused tears of pure happiness.

The cardboard box was about the size of an old-school microwave and wrapped in pink paper. My daughter helped me pull the wrapping paper and then remove the masking tape holding the box closed. Inside the cardboard box was a second box. This one was shiny brown with a light blue ribbon tied around it. At first glance it looked like what a designer dress may be packaged in. Maybe a silk Prada skirt or a vintage Chanel dress.

And then I saw it printed in the corner on the top of the box. The small Coach insignia. That’s when I started crying.

I know. I know. I’m supposed to be this enlightened person who is releasing her urges toward the material things in life and find the bliss in living a spiritual, centered, mindful lifestyle. That’s what this whole blog-thing is about. But we all have our flaws and my flaw: the joy that this most flawless handbag ever to grace the pages of a Vogue magazine brought me.

It’s given name is the Coach Legacy Patent Leather Francine Handbag. I’ve mentioned it in my posts on more than one occasion. It made my top five things I want IN LIFE. Not in the coming weeks or this year…but life, along with pure and mindful happiness and taking full advantage of every circumstance I create. I have a picture of it on my bulletin board. That picture was all I had ever seen of it until once, when I was flying home from Chicago, I saw a woman who had it hanging over her shoulder. She was a few spots ahead of me in line while we waited to board the Southwest flight to Louisville. I kept thinking about how I could take the seat next to her if it was open and ask her about her purse. Then, I realized I was being weird. And a bit of a purse stalker.

So there it was…my teal patent leather Francine coach handbag. Elegantly placed in the coach box sitting right in front of me on the island in my kitchen. I was surrounded by all of my family who had went in together to get it for me. My sister had led the charge, starting with my husband. They recruited my siblings, my dad, and my in-laws. And there it was, right in front of me. The gift of all gifts I’d ever been given by the people who love me most.

I was blown away. It was beyond words for me. I literally could not grasp what they had done. Not at first. I could barely open the box. And then I did and it was more beautiful than in the magazine or Midway airport. It has two handles each attached with three golden rings that look like over-sized wedding bands specially made for NBA players. There is a small pocket in front with a clasp and the inside is quilted with the authentic striped Coach fabric. It’s made of patent leather, like my fancy Mary Janes that I got to wear with my first communion dress. Only it’s a teal patent leather, the color of a Key West beach or what I imagine heaven’s sky to look like. It’s a half-moon shape and the perfect size for me. Slightly bigger than most handbags, like a tote only much much much more stylish. I can fit a hardback book in it and a journal.

Of course, it hasn’t carried anything yet. I’m still getting use to the idea of having it. It’s not a bag that I can just start using. There needs to be an event. A special occasion that’s special enough to initiate this handbag to the world. I did take it to work today to show (off?) to my work buddies. I kept it in the box. Kind a like show and tell only for a 35 year old.

I am fully aware of the risk I’m taking here with my readers. Going on and on about this handbag. For those of you who don’t love purses like I do, it could be assumed that I’m a bit shallow and/or pretentious, or just unlikable. I mean really, what kind of person can write 1,000 words about a handbag and still keep any integrity. But surely, in your life, there has been something that you love love love. Something that had a monetary value. Maybe you saw it in a catalog or locked inside a glass case. Something that you thought, “God, what I would give to have that.”

Well, I got it and it came from the people who love me. Who wanted to see me happy. Who were willing to pull their resources and surprise me like I haven’t been surprised ever. It was a big enough gift that I could have easily slipped into a legitimate oh-you-shouldn’t-have guilt ridden acceptance of the gift. But what a waste that would have been.

No, this gift deserved a full force honoring of the people who gave it. I will forever be grateful that I have people who love me like this. And I will forever love this gift.

It’s Gonna Be a Great Week

Tonight was my birthday dinner and homemade pie kitchen pie night with family. It was delicious— brats, corn on the cob, wavy potato chips and ranch dip—the things I crave most while with this babe. And a dutch apple pie with caramel topping.

And then there was my family who I love dearly and am so very lucky to have. All of them. Even the family who wasn’t here and didn’t even know we were grilling brats. My family is full of love. They are loyal and faithful and come through whenever you need them most.

Sometimes it’s easy for me to get caught up in my own stuff. To hold everything in and think that no one can help me or offer me the support I need or save me from being a complete neurotic, psycho-emotional train wreck, brimming over the top with hormones, tears, and the occasional cross word. And then I have a night like tonight where I’m ushered into the light and can see clearly how fortunate I am.

Tonight, my familia all went in together and got me the very, very, very best present I’ve ever been bought. I’m not lying, this is my most favorite gift EVER. It was one of those things I wanted, but never would have thought I’d get—not anytime soon.

What is it? Right? I can’t say tonight, because I want to dedicate an entire night of writing about it; and, giving away what it is tonight would be anti-climatic tomorrow night. Besides, I need some more time to let the reality of the gift set in before I can adequately write about it. Plus, my family deserves my words tonight. They are the very best.

And to my eldest younger sister: you’re the very best. From now on, my husband will have to check in with you before buying me anything.

What’s that on Your Lip?

My husband forgot to put the guard on his electric shaver before trimming his beard tonight. Now he looks like a leftover from the seventies. He has a mustache.

He asked me if he looks like Tom Selleck. Not really, more like a crooked cop from an early eighties crime series. I keep thinking he’s going to break out into a Hall ‘n Oates song. Or macrame me a chair.

Something about mustaches are funny. He did try to keep a fu-man-choo thing, but I made him shave the sides. I couldn’t bear to sit on the couch with him with it. I still can’t stop staring at his upper lip.

Maybe Harvey Keitel? He does the mustache thing sometimes. Or Vince Vaughn in Starsky and Hutch. That was a great mustache. Other great mustaches:

1. Burt Reynolds
2. Keith Hernandez
3. Ted Nugent
4. Freddy Mercury
5. Welcome Back Koetter
6. Weird Al Yankovich
7. Dale Earnhardt
8. Village People (one of those guys had a mustache or maybe they all did)
9. Joe Namath way back when
10. Rhett (Butler, of course)

Tomorrow we’re going to go buy him a leisure suit. Maybe a t-shirt with an extremely offensive mustache slogan…something about mustaches and rides and only costing $1.00.

List Lover

So it was a day worth having. I did five of my ten things from last night’s list of things I could do to make the most of my Friday.

Making lists works.

It’s a good lesson to take into the weekend…making lists of things I want to do now, next week, next month, next year. In fact, this may just be my theme for the weekend—A Weekend Full of Lists. I’ve written before about my love of lists. They’re so easy and feel so productive. And they work.

Why not devote a whole weekend to them?

I could list the projects I want to accomplish around my house. One list for the outside, one for the inside. I could list the playlists I want to make and songs I want to download. Books I want to read before Christmas. Letters I want to write. Stuff to do before the baby gets here. Things I want to accomplish before I’m 40, 45, 50. Things I want to do before I’m 35 (I’ve only got four more days before this one so that’ll be a short list). The list possibilities are endless.

I like lists because they put it out there into the universe. They are a quick and easy manifestation of the thoughts in your head that you want to turn into action. They are neat and tidy and you can number them or bullet point them. You can keep a book of them. Tack them to your bulletin board. Write them on your to-do tablet.

A list is one of my first steps to getting my mojo going. They’re the on switch to my flow.

Friday Task List

It’s late. I’m tired. Tomorrow’s Friday and I want to wake early and enjoy every second of it, so…

Top Ten Things I Could Do to Make the Most out of My Friday:

1. A walk up Spickert Knob Road
2. Coffee at Hob Knob
3. Stroll through Carmichael’s Books
4. Lunch with a book on the waterfront
5. Hunter Thompson documentary at Baxter Theater
6. Dinner on Frankfort (not sure where)
7. Dessert on Frankfort (sweet surrender)
8. Frankfort Avenue Trolley Hop
9. An iced coffee on my back deck watching the sun go down
10. Snuggle in to watch the latest episode of Swingtown which has now been moved to Friday nights

I’m hoping to get to all ten, but even if I do five it will be a day worth having.

Judgment Day

Yesterday my nurse practitioner asked me if I was considering natural child birth.

Nope.

She continued to make sure I was aware of the risks involved with an epidural. I am; but, I still want it.

I have the utmost respect for all of my fellow sisters who choose to go au natural for the big day. In fact, I’ve got a lot of respect for any woman who chooses this whole pregnancy experience in general. It’s not always the bowl of cherries Angelina Jolie makes it out to be.

Personally, I have no interest in deciding what other people should do. As a woman, I think you should sleep with who want, work where you want–whether it’s outside the home or staying inside the home with the kiddos, wear what you want, be who you want, and deliver your babies how you want.

Sometimes I worry that our biggest problem as women is being judged by other women. Maybe not our biggest problem. There’s still the wage gap, Ann Coulter, and the fact that most insurance companies cover viagra but not birth control.

That one really bothers me. I mean, really? WTF!? Isn’t paying for viagra just going to cost the insurance companies more in the long run when it comes to covering prenatal, delivery, postnatal and pediatric care? That one is so blatantly inconsistent on so many levels. First, there’s the fact that it goes against the health insurance industry’s money-making model. Then there’s the basic sexism that a man’s right to get a hard-on is more significant than a woman’s right to birth control. And how much could birth control be? It’s not like Humana’s going to go bankrupt over some birth control pills.

Which reminds me, did anyone catch the video of John McCain being blindsided with a question about his voting record on this issue? A female reporter asked him about voting against a law that would force insurance companies to pay for birth control. His initial response, “I certainly do not want to discuss that issue.” Then he couldn’t take his hand away from his mouth. It was as if she had asked him to give a detailed play-by-play of how he lost his virginity. He was SOOOO uncomfortable that it makes me uncomfortable watching him.

Hilary would have had an answer for that question…awwwww Hilary, how I love thee, let me count thy ways. You are probably the most judged woman to hit the scene in awhile. I love you for putting yourself out there. For taking all the shit you had to take to stand in the place where you stood.

You just got us all a lot closer to whatever it is we want in life.

Enough Already with Feeling Like Ugh

My sister is in town from Florida today for the entire week…and I spent her first day here on the couch.

I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I’ve been sick more times during this pregnancy than the past five years. My husband had a flu bug on Sunday that he thought was food poisoning from Kroger potato salad. It wasn’t because I don’t eat potato salad from Kroger. My sweet love thing past on a bug that made my stomach cramp up like the sickly organ it was.

On top of the bug, I also had my gestational diabetes test this morning which is pretty much a fasting period followed by a tall drink of orangey-sweet liquid with a bit of a pedialyte thing going on. The test was at the beginning of my downhill battle today. You’re supposed to drink the liquid then wait in the waiting room for an hour before they draw blood.

By my waiting time, I knew all that I was supposed to be doing was lying down drifting in and out of consciousness while the gift from my hubby made its way through my system.

Unfortunately, I was not quite as much fun as usual for my sister’s first day home. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be able to sit up and talk to her.